People talk about moments. Moments where they just change.
But what about the days & months & years of sitting in a fire as you hope to god you are slowly turning to gold? That ain’t no moment, it’s your life and it IS hard. The days are feeling longer, the dissonance of whom you thought you were supposed to be and who you are swells inside you, and you wake up wishing you were in a different skin. You’re tired. The bone soul deep ache of a struggle too long without any signs of a full healing.
I forget to write down and capture the silvers of beauty along this path. The tiny internal shifts reminding me that I am not truly in the same place. Or the people who happen to speak words that startle me with their relevance to where I am.
I become restless in my own skin and feel like I’m Alice asking the Cheshire cat which way I must go. The restlessness can push you to explore the farthest and deepest parts of your desire and this is so good, but my friend, don’t let the restlessness rule you. Tired and worn, the restlessness can be your fuel and shift just as easily into a vice.
On those days, when I wake up wishing I was in a different skin, I sometimes am really wishing that I had the warm fluffy faith I see plastered across my facebook. Wishing my purpose didn’t so heavily intertwine with the fact that I am a highly sensitive person who got trampled on by fundamental religion, and some days I’m not really sure what the next step is.
Because embracing my purpose means embracing the heartbreak, depression, & anxiety that brought me to where I am, and you know what? Some days I don’t want to admit to those parts of me. But then I wouldn’t be here with these words for you.
Making peace with systems and places that have hurt you is really the task that won’t die. I make peace again and again, and sometimes something shifts, and I feel the sweet relief of fully embracing something I thought could no longer be mine to hold.
So what do you do when you know very well in your bones the places you must go are so much bigger than your self? I’ll be honest sometimes I just try to ignore what I know is a part of me: the call to sit in hard places and write words that will go where I cannot, to learn how to communicate and recognize privilege & injustice, and how to sew these into the already busy tapestry that is my life.
But then comes someone like my friend Ashley, who is the boss lady of Firework People, a group for creatives. Ashley has a beautiful gift of speaking truth over people, and she reminded me that there is a purpose over my life; and you know what? It IS too big for me and it IS uncomfortable, but it is MINE. The relief in her seeing and putting words to the restlessness of my self over how to go from A to B was such a sweet sigh. Yes, your dreams are too big, but they are all yours so own that shit. Embrace the bigness and settle in for the adventure. Remind yourself to continually make decisions from your whole self and your desires. This may mean ignoring your oh so type A logical mind, but you know where to go even when your mind doesn’t.
Which prompts me to actually share with you all a bit about what on earth it is I am doing on your screens and in you inboxes. I’ve never really sat down with you, cup of coffee in hand and told you all who I am and why on earth I’m writing to you. But like I said there’s this group, Firework People, we’re comprised of movers, shakers, and a whole lotta love for each other and creating amazing content. As a part of the Firework People Blog Tour, I am finally cozying up with that cup of coffee to tell you why we are sitting here with each other.
So hello friend.
I’m Caitlyn, or Caity if you’d prefer. I am the whirlwind of coffee and syllables making up this corner of the interwebs. I dream of pages chock full of overly romantic language and one day filling books with words that will wrap themselves in ribbons around your heart. I love the potential found within words. Words can mirror our shadow selves and create a moment in which the light can break them a part.
This may sound odd, but at the heart of my writing is a desire to sit with people. When my own life unraveled and frayed until all I held were some discolored threads it wasn’t my friends or family who truly sat with me or spoke words, which echoed within me. No, the people who calmed my tumultuous being were bloggers. Sounds a bit lame right? Hearing the word “blog” makes me think of Barney Stinson trying to convince everyone to read his super sketch blog. And if you don’t get that reference then I guess maybe I’ll still love you. But you know what, it’s the truth. Authors were the ones who chose to bare their souls and pain and uncertainties on a blank page. They painted pictures made of words I would carry around with me until I knew the stories by heart. I waited for these friends to show up in my inbox just like you would sit and wait for someone at Starbucks.
So yes, I desire to settle in and sit with people in the hardest of places where no one seems to meet your eyes. To create a place where the outlines and edges of us are laid bare. A place, which takes hold of us by our heart strings, and loudly declares the depth of emotions tossing us in all directions and captures the inner turmoil of a heart ill at ease. Painting a portrait of syllables reflecting back to you all of which you cannot express. Every stroke colored in authenticity and passion.
A place in which I can hold your heartbreak and grief until I can find a way to give them back to you as the precious beautiful gifts they can be.
Grateful to share this place with you,