Life on Pause


Life seemed to be an old cassette player with the pause and fast forward buttons both clicked down and vying for the silvery ribbon to comply. The ribbon pulled tight from the strain of being held in place while trying to move forward.

Sighs and eye rolls commanded her vernacular these days as the facebook feed filled with engagements, babies, and ecstatic twenty somethings landing their dream jobs. Her dreams had never been threaded together with the tales of true love and princes. The only castles she had ever dreamed of were the gothic ivory towers sprinkling the landscape of all the best schools. But watching your closest friends traipse down the aisle one by one as you stand by with a smile and a bouquet can produce its own special kind of microscopic self analysis. Throw in a graduation with a map entitled ”All Signs Point to Lost” and a good old fashioned heartbreaking, and well to be frank – it’s lonely.

Yes, this is quite the new kind of lonely. The marathon of bad tv shows and too many cups of tea. Text messages without real answers and friends who have no clue what it is to be left a chapter behind, while the words of their lives spill onto a fresh page.

The kind of lonely all the books and Netflix binges can’t even begin to drown out. The deep roots of the feeling simply growing and settling all around her into the background and waiting for her to be still enough to feel the air weighted down around her. The poignant combination of feeling purposeless and utterly devoid of direction after what is supposed to be the great send off into the ever fabled real world. And of course, the last ripping motion along the seams of the relationships holding her close: watching not only the love in her life, but also the loves she called her best friends walk out all at once.

The joy of their new beginnings casted an even deeper shadow on the slow creeping despair of finding her life nowhere near where she thought it would be. Futile anxious scrambling to find the quickest route from A to B. The pain of finding herself without a single person who can say “me too.” The bleakness of wondering why no one seemed to grasp the consuming nature of where she found herself. And the sad acknowledgment that maybe they didn’t want to – after all, it is always easier to skim our eyes over another’s pain than to lock eyes and lend our hearts to the matter.

Oh and this is the depth of it isn’t it? Believing that because no one can sit with you right now means that no one ever will. That no good can come from being left to sit in all the broken pieces without even the faintest clue of what to do or where to go.

Oh my friend, to be lost is quite the adventure, but to be lost and alone? This. This takes heart and it will shape your soul as you ponder and pour over all the cracked and broken fragments of a life that never lived surrounding you. And no one can ever take away the lessons you will learn sitting with no one but yourself and god.

It won’t always be this way. But for now as you click and scroll through the masses of happy pictures and watch another friend intertwine their life to their love, I’m going to tell you the oddest of things. But grieve. Grieve the loss of the life you thought you would have. Grieve the loss of your friendships, as you knew them. Tell yourself that you are more than justified in grieving the loss of all these beautiful things. The upward swelling and crashing of your grief realized is so necessary to where you are. Life has its way of redeeming the beaten down shards making the whole of us, but for now – sit. Grieving the loss of what was and also what never even had the chance to be, this will let your heart find a new song. A song composed to the notes and lyrics of a path all your own.


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