Change wears many faces. All of whom I’m beginning to know. Five months ago I knew somewhere deep and fierce that I wanted this, that this uprooting & planting of new seeds was good even as it settled amongst the hinting tendrils of anxiety. But now change is slipping from an elusive idea to stone cold reality and the ground seems to tremble under the weight of the uncertainty and doubt. The unanswered questions hang heavy, while anxiety wraps slim fingers against my throat and threatens to take my air.
The doubts tangle one upon another until they’ve weaved a net that pins me up against my own mind. Do you really want this? Is this just another regret in the making? What if you’re wrong? The voice changes from questioning to accusations. You don’t even know what you want. Or how to get there if you did… Be practical already. Do you really think you have what it takes – that you’re smart enough, capable enough to do this? This is the old black tape with the broken edges and smeared scrawling handwriting labeling it fear, special guest appearance by doubt. The deep timbres of their voices trail along the edges of my every waking thought.
The tape scratchily plays & replays etching in the lie that no matter what I decide to do, I’m making the wrong choice – that I’m just doing it all wrong. The nightmarish loop seems to be stuck on play, round and round it goes. The echoes of the music rise and fall in my chest and my heart begins to wear it’s words.
But I’ve learned that fear & doubt raise their softly echoing voices whenever something big is knitting itself into being.
Even knowing this, the lyrics still loop in and out of my conscious thoughts like a pesky top 40 wannabe. Always demanding you to stay and to expect failure before you even begin. All the while condescendingly suggesting you fold and bend the pieces that make you up into the tiniest of spaces. I’m asking you to love yourself more than this. Do. Not. Stay. Do not stay where you are, there isn’t life there anymore.
Darling, you were meant to face the quaking grounds of change and learn what it means to take up some space because what you have in that heart of yours is so very important.
So right now, while you are still in the deep, move forward with a heart full of fear and doubt. Neither can fade unless you are brave enough to move where the golden flow of hope & life stream into us and change us from the inside out.
Don’t give in to fear’s questions and withering words. Telling yourself that you’re playing it safe or I’m sorry, that you’re being ”smart,” when really you’re just scared as hell cause you only have a glimpse of what’s comin’ at ya – that’s not gonna cut it in this life. If you want to be knee deep in joy and resting in the achingly painful beautiful kind of happiness at who you’re becoming, then there are going to be days when the doubts and fears make their home in you. But I’m telling you a secret, they only do that to the movers. The ones crazy enough to want something more. So when doubt & fear sigh in disbelief and mutter of failure, pick your head up and move your feet because you’re in good company my dear.
In case you’ve missed it, I’m telling you that it’s time. Lovely, you know when it’s time to go. Even if you don’t know what you are opening yourself up to, just go. Go down this path even without the shimmering light of a dozen lanterns guiding your every step. Change often happens in the dark, while we follow the faintest glow that is pulling us.
I’ll meet you there,